Update on L

The update this morning is that she is in pretty good spirits, considering. Last night she had a reiki session right before bed and was finally able to sleep. The bad news is that every time they get her upright (crutches/walker), she vomits. They hope this is the medication. The good news is that they aren't going to do surgery or send her to Seattle. They think with the type of break that it is, time and physical therapy are the real cure. Right now they are saying 6-8 weeks in bed with short PT sessions. Laurie says that L had been pretty philosophical about things up until now (frustrated and scared about the injury but still eager to get back to riding) but finally got truly angry last night talking about what a dumb "accident" it was for Otto to spook at nothing and then go over backwards. What Laurie said she needs now is practical help. :) I'm too far away to cook for her or play board games with L at the hospital, so I'm going to see if instead I can arrange to get her some hay delivered for the other horses. It sounds like some other friends are arranging another fundraising avenue as well. I will let you guys know if/when that gets off the ground.

Guilt. Horror. Responsibility?

So I got some disturbing news yesterday. Today I got more of the details.

On the one hand, this is another “Everybody in life makes choices” kind of post. On the other hand, well, you hate to be the person who made the first bad choice that led to the next bad choice that finally led to the worst bad choice.

The bad news comes from Laurie, back in Walla Walla. 

On Sunday night she posted to Facebook that her daughter L was in the hospital because a horse had rolled on her.  I immediately felt that horrible plunge in my belly—Oh God, Otto—followed by logic. OF COURSE it wasn’t Otto. L is just a kid, she has other kid-appropriate horses that she rides. It was probably the trusty old horse, Nugget. He probably slipped and fell in the mud and broke her leg. Bad luck. Better send Laurie a note.

Yesterday, an update: L’s pelvis is broken. She is in too much pain to sleep, even at the hospital, even with drugs. She needs full-time care. Laurie, who was already in a bad place financially, is facing down massive hospital bills and is looking for home medical supplies for after L is discharged. She will be bedridden for weeks, potentially.

I felt so terrible for Laurie. All the things she has gone through. Her own health problems and life challenges. Her difficult ex. Her problems with her neighbors and the county. She is such a survivor, and yet these things keep happening to her. It’s like she can’t catch a break.

Of course, when you spend a lot of time with horses, you take the chance of getting hurt. I think most horse people have accepted that the odds of never being in a horse-related accident are slim to none. If it wasn't this horse, this day, it would be another horse on another day. Sooner or later, your number is up.

But.

But. Today, I got the news that I had been dreading. I really had shut the possibility out of my mind, because it was just too awful to contemplate:

“People who know us and our horses have been tentatively asking "which horse was it?" NO, it was not any of [L's] most dearly beloveds, Nugget, Jerry, and Scout. It was not any of my lesson horses. It was Otto, my high-spirited endurance horse.”

…

“She got him out, groomed him....he fell asleep at the hitching post...saddled him, donned the mandatory helmet (good girl!)...and had just been trotting him happily around the yard when "it" happened. Neither of us really knows what "it" was. She had gone by with a big smile saying what fun and how "noodly" he is (he IS noodly, at first....in his oh-so-Arab way he looks around at everything and goes through this little series of back-and-forth sideways spooks before he gets his focus. The first two miles of any endurance race are like that with him, then he goes to work and it's all business. Well....she was passing me for maybe the third time....went right by me...touching distance....when he suddenly seemed to plant and scramble backwards like something had startled him, losing his balance and going up at the same time.”

…

“She fell off backwards when he hit the vertical, still holding the reins. There was a sick moment where I saw her clearly, on the ground, her legs spread, on her back, still holding the right rein, and him teetering on his hind legs. I remember praying for him to fall away from her. Then his right hind seemed to shoot forward out from under him. It had rained earlier, and the grass and wood chips were slick. So there he teetered, then down he came with a sickening crack. I hoped the crack was the saddle, but it wasn't. He had to roll back and forth to get momentum to get back up, and that roll was back and forth across [L’s] torso and legs.”

Of course I feel guilty. But it is more than that. Emotions are funny things. My decision to give Otto up has been validated yet again. He was always unpredictable and unstable. He certainly did buck and rear when he was upset. Everything was a potential trigger. This "accident" was classic Otto behavior taken to its inevitable conclusion.

Foremost in my mind: It could have been me. If I hadn’t given Otto up, it could have been me in that hospital bed. Me in that pain. Me with the financial burden. Me with the nightmares. 

Second-foremost: I sold Laurie this horse. Yes, she knew what he was like and why I was selling him, but I still feel sick to think that Laurie wrote me a check a few years ago… only to take on this burden.

I feel like I sold her a loaded gun. Yes, she was aware that it was a gun and that it was loaded, but I don't feel like her foreknowledge really absolves me. The safest choice—the most ethical choice, the most socially responsible, love-thy-neighbor, no-man-is-an-island choice—would have been to keep the weapon locked away... or to destroy it.

Because the alternative is to trade it for lucre and live with the consequences.

The Bad Idea Fairy maintains my trailer

The Plan was to go to Grizzly and ride the LD. The Plan was to continue putting money into the “place of our own” fund. The Plan was to get my trailer bearings repacked.

Oh, how time makes fools of us all!

I was in Walla Walla two weekends ago for a wine event, and when we got home to Salem, I was promptly ill. Not the kind of vomitous one-night food poisoning illness that comes and goes, but the really unpleasant, sore throat, it’s-hard-to-breathe right, why-do-all-my-muscles hurt sickness that lingers and makes it really hard to get motivated to ride.

But I was inching back toward normal as the week was ending, so I decided to take the trailer in for its spring checkup before hauling over the pass to Grizzly. This is just a normal, relatively inexpensive safety check THAT EVERYONE SHOULD DO.  (If you are not on the spring checkup for vehicles bandwagon, please join me!)

I will be the first to admit that vehicle maintenance is not my forte. I’m mostly oblivious to problems unless there is actual smoke or a loud CLUNK involved. Well, a few weeks ago when I took Blue to the vet to get his teeth done, I noticed a bit of a hot brake smell. The drive was only 15 minutes, though, and I wasn’t totally sure that it was me and not the cars around me. When we stopped, I walked around the trailer, sniffing and examining, but didn’t find any issues.

The next time out with the trailer, there was the smell again, but it hauled fine and I was already on the road, so I listened to the Bad Idea Fairy and kept on driving. And the time after that, there was no smell and no big problems. The brakes felt a little wimpy, but the Bad Idea Fairy pointed out that I could just turn up the controller to compensate. Clearly whatever was causing that smell had worked itself out… (la la la la I am happy in my own imaginary land la la la…)

Note to non-trailer-hauling friends: Horse trailers are not self-healing. What had worked out, according to pictures I received from my mechanic yesterday, is that all the brakes and drums on my trailer are shot. Moreover, two of the tires have been so damaged by the uneven braking that they need replaced. And really, while we’re talking about tires, we should probably replace all five because the ones that are on it were older than I had been led to believe when I bought it. (PS: Trailer tires have to be replaced more than car tires anyway.)

So what had been a feeling of ambivalence about going to Grizzly because of my recent illness has now solidified into staying home and feeling sorry for myself. The trailer is out of commission, my bank account is empty, and I’m still a little sick.

So friends, if any of you are in regular contact with the Money Fairy (mother of the Bad Idea Fairy?), please ask her to come sprinkle some of her magic dust on me this month so I can make it to Mt. Adams.

Model behavior

Don't you guys love puns? Model Blue, much like actual Blue, is making slow but steady progress.

Model Blue needs to be painted and ready to roll in time for Sweet Onion Live II on August 11.

Real Blue needs to be ready for Grizzly Mountain on April 20.

First ride at Silver Falls

Great Saturday ride at Silver Falls. We stuck to the armored trails and roads, so we probably did about 5 miles all told. Nevertheless, I had a very sweaty horse at the end of that. He hasn't had a real workout since October and it shows.

Silver Falls is like a living fairy tale to someone who grew up in flat, dry, treeless country.

I do not exaggerate.

Nice, easy trail.

One of the (very few) areas of boot-sucking swamp.

Most of what we rode was more like this—carefully constructed, well-drained forest trail.

After the ride. Blue is somewhat unimpressed.

All four boots stayed on throughout.

Boot update 2: Even better movement, stupid weather

The hind boots finally came yesterday, so I rode him a in a full set last night. He was a MUCH happier horse. I think his feet must be quite sore (bruises and thrush), because without the boots he is stiff and cranky about moving out. In them, he is back to his normal willing self. He also started forging again, which I am considering a good sign in the sense that he is using the full reach of his hind legs instead of short striding... Hopefully this will all get sorted out before we have to pass any kind of lameness exam.

The weather report was wrong. I know, that is not exactly unusual, but here I am writing the blog when the sun is shining because I reserved Sunday for riding. Today there was a 70% chance of rain and it is bright and sunny. Tomorrow there is a 20% chance of rain. I will be accepting your wagers on that.

It hailed while I was working in the arena last night. If your horse hasn't heard hail on the roof of a cavernous metal building yet, I highly recommend it as a training opportunity.

Enough is enough

I think the essence of responsible horse ownership is the desire to learn more. 

All of the owners and riders that I really respect have one thing in common: They read. They don’t necessarily take the advice of every book, article or blog post, but they do take an active interest.

Owning horses (like raising children?) is in some ways an act of absolute futility. You can pour money into proper food, lodging, exercise, equipment and education, and still not have the outcome you expect. To some degree, they are born with talents and personalities that you can shape—but you can only go so far. There is an armature under the clay that can’t be changed. We can build and build on the surface, but the core is untouchable.

Genius horse helps with camera.

In many ways, a horse is like one of those old-timey supercomputers. He is covered in switches, levers, dials and buttons. Each time you adjust one, the others are almost guaranteed to shift.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I find myself looking for ways to economize, and I come up with limited possibilities. Everything that I do with Blue—his very existence, really—costs money.

What I pay for board would have been astronomical by Walla Walla standards, but is actually pretty reasonable locally. 

If I moved Blue to a cheaper barn, I might lose the large stalls or daily turnout. Maybe I’d end up with a smaller arena or no arena at all. In that case, I would be able to ride one day per week. Are four rides a month worth what I pay in board? Would four rides a month give my horse a varied, pleasurable life? Would it keep him fit?

If I switched to partial care, I would have to find time to clean my own stall and arrange my own hay supply. Do I want to do that on my own time? How would that affect my free time for riding? Would I condition less because of barn chore fatigue? Would Blue's health decrease because I choose the wrong hay or do a poor job on the stall?

If I moved Blue to somewhere closer to town (to save gas on my “horse commute”), I would have to give up onsite trail access and large, interesting turnouts. That would mean hauling somewhere to ride outdoors. Would I still be saving gas if I had to tow the trailer out to the mountains to condition?

Granted, the commute looks pretty good.

If I change my feed regime to cut out supplemental vitamins, minerals and fats, Blue might not be physically able to perform in the way I want him to.

Ditto for cutting back on vet and farrier expenses.

If I cut back on going to rides, I decrease my own enjoyment and sense of purpose. If I am not competing, then why condition? If I’m not conditioning, then why ride at all? Would my enjoyment of Blue as “just a pet” be that much greater than my enjoyment of a dog or a mountain bike? (I’d still be nurturing an animal and hurtling through forested trails—with the added bonus that Brian could come too.)

Why ride when you can run?

These thoughts and feelings are complicated by the (humblebrag!) fact that I absolutely CAN afford to just keep doing what I’m doing. Having the horse is not a hardship. I mean, maybe if we wanted to buy a giant house or vacation in Europe twice a year… but it’s not like Blue is keeping me from buying groceries. (Seriously, look at me. Blue would probably prefer it if I bought fewer groceries.)

No, this isn’t about saving money as much as it is about imposing limits. I need to find a point that I can call “enough.” Because all of this reading that I do just makes me think that I could (and should) be doing more. More time riding; more turnout; more expensive, personalized diet; more chiro and massage; more holistic medicine; bigger, better truck and trailer; my own property; lessons and training… and it could go on and on.

I was talking with Sarah the other night about how having a horse felt when we were kids. My first horse, Gazab, saw a farrier a couple times a year, if that. He saw the vet even less. We gave him all of his shots ourselves and I think we floated his teeth once. The saddle was a freebie we got from a friend of the family. We did not talk about fit for horse or rider. The bit was a grazing bit that came with the $20 bridle from the local feed store. We fed 12% sweet feed and cattle-grade alfalfa. 

It was fine. It was what my parents could afford. It was enough. 

Sarah felt the same way about her childhood, jumping a fat, elderly arabian mare bareback over logs on the back 40. We both are experiencing a certain amount of equestrian lifestyle creep as we change our interests: me from casual trail riding to endurance, her from casual trail riding to dressage.

Now “enough” just keeps getting bigger and further away. The more I read and learn, the more advantages I want to give to this horse.

Surely everyone who reads this blog has experienced this feeling. So how do you choose how to spend your "horse money" and "horse time"? Where do you cut corners? What activities do you sit out?

Where have you drawn the limits in your horse life?

Have you been in a situation recently where you've finally had to say... Enough Is Enough?